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(no subject) [Jan. 12th, 2017|02:11 am]
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i have a russian boyfriend, and he's about the only person left in the country who knows about the existence of livejournal.

i have to wonder if other online platforms ultimately overtook livejournal because people are too damn lazy to write longer entries. i know i am. it's nice to have some memories from high school on here, though i barely wrote anything of substance beyond an obsessive-level account of my grades. i lacked the emotional and ethical depth to write substantially until i moved beyond the self-enclosure of basing one's worth off of arbitrary evaluations.

i was thinking back to my two years in leuven the other day and wishing i had a better memory - i consider my life to have started when i began studying philosophy, so harvard and high school are a kind of grounding and i tend to put that to the side, but it's unnerving how easy it is to leave a place and feel it fade in memory. perhaps i'll have a proustian moment and a flood of involuntary memory will hit me when i'm picking something off from the ground or sniffing something on the street. life is ultimately much better at stony brook though, as the professors take my work seriously. i wrote essays on proust, spinoza, and irigaray last semester--by far the best work i've produced thus far in my academic career, thanks to the freedom the professors give us. at leuven i would be penalized for having a thought that contradicted the strict interpretation of the instructor. very european indeed.

my second year in leuven was significantly better than the first year, when i knew barely anything about philosophy and had a much harder time keeping up, alongside the stress of grades in view of future doctoral applications. once i was accepted to stony brook in january of 2016, my year was stress-free. the period of january to june was maybe the best time of my life, living with a greater sense of freedom, just knowing that i'd have a place to be for the next five to six years with funding. i spent so much time with friends because leuven is small and philosophy international students tend to stick together given our collective alienation by the flemish (i made no flemish friends, how nuts). going out to get kebabs (even though i'm vegan now) or sitting down at a cafe and complaining about the philosophy program or debating about metaphysics was routine. it kills me that this feels so far away. i have a boyfriend, i like the people in my doctoral program, i'm doing the best work i've ever produced -- is thinking about leuven bare nostalgia? my time was also filled with misery. i was often bored, sat home alone, ate like shit (and unethically), and was stressed about my thesis (even after the acceptance). people were too busy to see me. the nostalgia overrides this counterbalance. regardless, it is excellent that my memories of leuven are so positive given that.

i wish to see my leuven friends. i still keep in contact with most of them. i will be visiting in the summer.

thank god for reading proust and accepting that most of life is time wasted--and that this isn't to preclude a breakthrough whereby this time lost becomes regained. i ought to be reading shelley's prometheus unbound right now, or sleeping.
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(no subject) [Nov. 24th, 2016|10:26 pm]
for kant, reason's unity is ultimately regulative indeed--practical reason is ultimately where reason is unified, yet theoretical reason provides certain things to practical reason (like concept of god as omnibenevolent, omniscient, and so on). moreover in the third critique kant's moral proof is supposed to reveal the (regulative) idea of God who creates nature for the purposes of human freedom -- this allows us to posit the end of freedom as happiness (since we have to act regardless morally, the regulative idea simply aids in positing an end to this action)...and reveals a kind of unity of reason insofar as nature is both mechanical and teleological in the supersensible principle. yet, again, this is from a regulative ideal - not from the real activity of the subject itself. it only aids to bring a sense of unity to reason (though, unlike in theoretical reason, with subjective conviction)
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(no subject) [Nov. 24th, 2016|01:07 am]
ten years ago i could barely cobbled together sentences (still barely)
now i write about being, god, essence, transcendence
i'm still a slob
a student walked into my office the other day looking for my office mate
saw me sitting with my bare feet on the desk, pretzels crumbs all over my shirt, hair rustled and face unshaved, while writing on perfection
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(no subject) [Nov. 24th, 2016|12:59 am]
is anyone here?
i've begun my phd in philosophy at stony brook
working on hegel, schelling, kant a lot lately
submitting to journals and writing essays
things are going well here
i also have a boyfriend
all needs met
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(no subject) [May. 27th, 2016|12:46 pm]
Well, my time in Belgium was worth it, I guess, because I'll be attending my top choice PhD program in philosophy over in New York beginning September. I'm almost finished with my Mphil thesis on Schelling, and I've been reading some Fichte on the side. Hard to believe that only a few years ago I knew nothing about philosophy or that I'd end up dedicating the rest of my life to it. Beyond that, I'm getting more into gnosticism, which I think stems from my desire to escape the hellish confines of the material world. I'm trying to think how to reconcile my gnostic impulses with my Marxism. It'll be interesting to see how that pans out over time.
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(no subject) [May. 31st, 2015|09:28 pm]
I've spent the day looking back on old livejournal posts and cringing. I think it's easy to forget how long five years is, how much difference it makes to someone, when they're willing to learn and change. I never knew how ignorant and childish I was at the time. A thin-layered cynicism protected me while I needed it, but I also needed it to be stripped away with education. I've turned into a rather compassionate and sensitive person. I was always that person but couldn't express it properly and had a lot of personal shit to take care of before revealing it. I'm honestly very thankful for the people who put up with me and understanding toward those who couldn't, because I couldn't myself. I'm sitting here at 9:30pm. The days in Belgium are so long. How grateful I am to have healthy friendships in my life! How grateful I am to be studying what I want, however exhausting it can be. I'm not sure where I'll be next year or what I'll be doing, but I appreciate the ride I've been on and what it means for my personal growth.
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(no subject) [Nov. 17th, 2014|04:07 am]
I'm in grad school at KU Leuven in Belgium. I got funding from the government. I'm reading a lot about Hegel nowadays and I plan on writing my thesis on his view of infinity and its relation to God. Things have changed a lot for me. I've had this livejournal for over eight years. It's scary to think how much one can change in that time.
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(no subject) [Jun. 6th, 2014|12:22 pm]
Some updates. I'm still posting mostly over at tumblr. If you want to add me there, just ask for my username. I wonder if anyone stills read this anyway.

I am a mess. I got into graduate school without funding, and I absolutely refuse to pay for a graduate degree. This leaves me in a bit of a bind. I am waiting to hear back regarding scholarships to Belgium, Greece and Spain. I still haven't heard anything. It's fucking June. Everything starts in September.

I'm going back to Middlebury this summer. I think I'll end up in Stufe 3, which will be challenging but all right. Hopefully I don't place into Stufe 4 because that's basically fluency, which I'm not. I liked Middlebury a lot this year and I think I'll like it more.

I'm very guilty. I need to be making money and I'm not. I feel ashamed about this, because I've internalized capitalist ideology equating productivity with value of life itself. In reality, it's been a rather personally productive time for me.
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Hi Livejournal [Sep. 25th, 2013|05:29 am]
What's been up with me?

I went to Middlebury's intensive German program this summer. I learned a lot of German and placed into language level C1 at the Goethe-Institut. It is entirely too difficult, but it's a chance to challenge myself.

I'm almost finished with applications for DAAD and Fulbright grants to Heidelberg to study for a master's degree in philosophy. I want to study Hegel, the dialectic, and the history of metaphysics. That is all extremely terrifying, considering I've been learning German for less than three months.

I'm taking Ancient Greek and French lessons. I'm not progressing nearly as quickly as I'd like, yet I still feel overwhelmed.

My Spanish is strangely better than ever.

I'm not sure about grad school in the USA or Canada. I'm considering applying to master's, but not doctorates, since I need some more experience with philosophy before I feel comfortable jumping in.

Overall the last months have been a period of growth.
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(no subject) [Jun. 21st, 2013|01:23 am]
got the gre scores: 166 verbal, 160 math. not sure if i should re-take. not sure...good enough for the programs i'm interested in, but i have a feeling i'll end up in germany for my masters and come back to the USA at a top analytic school. i sort of fear this happening.
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